'I'm back bitches' -A

It’s July 23 and we’re in the middle of a nationwide crisis. But what am I currently excited about? The new Taylor Swift album. Yes really. Drops at midnight. I am so psyched. I hope this is as delightful and love focused as Lover but kind of want her to get a little folky too. So excited to hear it. 

My view on love songs has shifted over the past few years. Actually, I realized around the time that Lover came out last year that I was back into the place where I could appreciate the idea of love. That’s how long the pain lasted - that kept me from even wanting to be happy for other people and that’s SO not me. Now i’m in a place where I love my life absolutely. I feel back in control. Of my body, of my mind, of my heart, my emotions, and my soul. No small feat. 

Funny enough, there was a trigger to this new found confidence. Ha, trigger. Literally, there were guns involved. Weird, right? Me? My mother wouldn’t let me have a toy gun in the house even when I was a kid. Nothing - but when I moved out she and her bestie got bb guns. 

Well, the Pandemic hit and we started hearing about runs on guns and amo. So that made the three of us living here think maybe we should learn something about firearm safety to be smart? The Handmaiden’s Tail is way to close to home y’all. Worcester - the airport was in Worcester which is 15mins away! No way. I’m going down swinging or shooting. 

Then the class we registered for got canceled because of the pandemic. We were lamenting about it at the park with the neighborhood dogs and owners and found out the neighbor teaches those classes. At that point we shelved the other group and committed to attending the neighbors next class. 

Side note: I’m taking the firearm safety class as a way to get through my fear of firearms. They terrify me. It’s something that gives me great anxiety. 

I found a way to get through the classroom sessions, loading, unloading, making things safe. Keeping my finger OFF the trigger. But I did it. And then I asked for help. I asked the neighbors son who not only is also a safety instructor but also a medic. Convenient. Thanks Universe for sending someone not only qualified to talk people out of hurting themselves to keep me grounded and then if anything did go wrong he could patch us up and give us the best shot to live, to be my buddy at the range so i would have someone by my side the whole time. He happily agreed. Seriously - is this even real life? 

Friday afternoon was rough. For endo reasons that almost made me cancel and my anxiety of going to the range. I couldn’t use meds because I was going to the range and needed to be alert. So naproxen kind of numbed it. I was sweating. It wasn’t that warm. I did mindful breathing the entire drive. I felt ok stepping out of the car. 

We went through the instructions and started to get ready to fire. My range buddy took me aside and gave me an option to see what it was almost like with the same gun but loaded with the airsoft bb things. It wouldn’t be as much of a sound of kick, but it would be similar enough to give me a feel so i wouldn’t be scared. 

It worked. 

It was my turn and I was ready. I was terrified. I was sweating and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I went through the steps to safely aim at the target, took a deep breath and… POW. It was a .22 so the sound wasn’t excessive but I knew what it was going to sound like from instructions. I knew how I would react to feeling the release of the action of the gun in my hand. 

Then I reloaded and it was easier than the first time. I missed the target so much. I was just excited to even try to line up the sights. But I fucking did it. 

Something changed in me that evening. I finally felt back in control of my life. In the words of another A, ~I’m back bitches.